Success and failure

So, I have some success. Today and yesterday, I consistently weighed in at 173.6 lbs. How, though, I have no idea. I have far more in the way of failures than successes.

First, I ate too much towards the end of last week. I could literally hear my tummy growling at me all day long Thursday and Friday, and I thought this can't be a good sign, and I ate whatever I felt like. Why it was growling, I have no idea. I certainly wasn't undereating, calorie or even nutrient-wise, in fact I felt like I was overeating as it was (before going on to later eat even more of whatever I wanted). But I did feel hungry. I don't understand this crap!! I eat properly, and I eat a proper quantity, and I'm still hungry. Tummy-growl hungry, even. As I was eating, I could literally hear my stomach digesting as quickly as it could, like I had been starving myself.

Because I then ate so so much (I'm actually not sure how much was so much, but I had a good amount of Cheez-its and yogurts...and actually that's all I can remember so I guess it wasn't so bad?), it got me down and I decided it's too hard to try to do the right thing. I do the right thing, and I end up feeling starved and then bingeing on everything in sight (which apparently was just 2 things), so why not just give up entirely and eat whatever I want in whatever quantity I want. Unless somehow these tummy noises are a sign of fat molecules being used up? Maybe? Who knows. Personally I doubt it. But I am not understanding how I'm hungry so much.

And so, I was down and wanting to just completely give up. I don't feel like eating healthy is "hard" to do, I'm only picking to eat foods that I like anyway, and I enjoy them. I actually feel sick when I eat something fried or fatty now, so it's in my best interest to eat the healthy thing anyway. (But I refuse to give up Cheez-its. I won't do it!) So when I say give up, I guess I mean give up trying to control my portion size (which has been my nemesis all along). Ok so let's continue that thought finally...I was down and wanting to completely give up, so I really did not want to go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym since the beginning of the month (or actually it might have been the last day of June that I went), and my goal this weekend was to go to the gym twice, ideally once on each day of the weekend since I didn't have too much in the way of plans.

Did I mention I was down and felt like giving up? Yes I think I have about a billion times already. Clearly I'm not destined to be a writer. So yes, that again, so because of that I didn't want to go the gym, not even for 10 mins. I've been telling myself I should make the effort to go, and give it a go for 10 mins at least, and if I still hate it then I can leave - at least I got 10 mins worth. But no, I refused. I was very, very down in the dumps this weekend, just in general. I literally walked through my favorite store, Target, and didn't care about anything. I can't be sure if that was cuz I haven't been shopping in so long that I don't like it anymore (I never was a big fan) or if it was my mood in general. I looked at their fitness equipment, which I once loved, and decided I didn't have a taste for it anymore.

Fitness is hard. My spirit is weak. It's a bad combination.